Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
