So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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