I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
