Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
