I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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