ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
