I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
The best revenge is premature balding
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
