bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
