Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
