I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
