If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
