god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
