Don't make out with my wife yet
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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