So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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