i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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