I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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