Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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