:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
