Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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