Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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