The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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