i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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