I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
