I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
