i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
