I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
