We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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