I cannot find my penis.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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