I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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