I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
