Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
