Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
