dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
