Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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