Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
