Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
