I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
