hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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