My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
