he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
