You can't motorboat a personality
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
