i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
