My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
