the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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