i was born a porn star she said
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
