Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
