Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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