If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
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