if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
