I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
