3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
